The Devil Resigned

A hellish comedy about politics, religion, and humanity's preference for a familiar bastard.

The Devil was tired.

Not tired of sinning, because that was other people's job. He was tired of taking the blame for everything.

For millennia, he had held the same position: official accuser of human flaws, universal scapegoat, and technical director of every decision people made on their own.

A man cheated on his wife? The Devil tempted him.

A pastor embezzled church funds? It was one of the Devil's traps.

A politician stole millions? It was a conspiracy by the Devil.

A man beat his wife, lied to his children, humiliated his employees, and cheated his business partner? The Devil was working in his life.

It was astonishing. The Devil had millions of employees on Earth, but none of them needed to clock in at Hell. All they had to do was commit an atrocity and outsource the blame.

That morning, he did the math.

His name was mentioned more often inside churches than in prisons. In temples, entire sermons were devoted to him. In prisons, at least, inmates rarely needed to invoke him to explain why they were there.

The Devil called a press conference.

"After so many centuries of dedicated service, I hereby announce my retirement."

Hell went into a panic.

The demons looked at one another. One dropped his clipboard. Another asked whether retirement included hazardous-duty pay.

"Who will take your place?" a journalist asked.

"I don't know. I'm thinking of someone with administrative experience, mediation skills, and a willingness to listen to both sides."

"God?"

The Devil burst out laughing.

"Don't be ridiculous. He's already got too much of a PR team."

He then announced his replacement: Hades, lord of the underworld in Greek mythology.

A third way.

Hades accepted the position after a brief negotiation. He didn't demand horns, a trident, or an exclusive contract. He only asked that people stop confusing him with the previous occupant.

"I manage the dead," he explained. "I'm not responsible for the decisions of the living."

The Devil smiled.

"You'll learn."

And off he went on vacation.

The Honeymoon with the New Devil

At first, the pastors loved Hades.

Finally, they said, a different Devil. More discreet, less theatrical, without that old image of a red creature who looked like he had stepped out of a cheap carnival costume.

Hades didn't need to shout. He didn't need to appear in nightmares. He didn't need to make anyone roll around on the floor during church services.

His proposal was simple: everyone would be held accountable for their own actions, and Hell would no longer serve as humanity's public relations department.

The pastors applauded.

"See?" they said. "The old Devil was outdated. This one has a different vision!"

Hades gave interviews, joined debates, and appeared on religious programs. He spoke about responsibility, consequences, and boundaries. He didn't promise to destroy his enemies. He didn't offer supernatural explanations for problems that could be solved with honesty.

He was a success.

For a few weeks.

Until a pastor was caught embezzling money from his congregation.

"Hades, this is an injustice!" the clergyman protested. "You have to acknowledge that I was a victim of temptation!"

Hades checked the documents.

"You transferred the money into three personal accounts, bought an apartment, and registered the vehicle in your sister-in-law's name."

"But you don't understand the spiritual warfare!"

"I understand the bank transfers perfectly well."

The pastor was outraged.

"This Devil has no mercy!"

The following week, another religious leader was accused of persecuting a political opponent.

"You need to do something!" he demanded.

"Do what?"

"Intervene! Show everyone that my enemy serves the forces of darkness!"

Hades examined both men's public statements.

"Your opponent presented documents. You presented a forty-minute video calling him a servant of Satan."

"Exactly! That's what I'm talking about!"

Hades began to realize he had accepted a job far worse than he had imagined.

The problem wasn't managing the dead.

It was dealing with the living, who refused to accept the possibility that they might be wrong.

The Devil Belonging to the Other Side

Things got worse when Hades decided to visit the churches.

In one of them, he heard a sermon about society's moral corruption.

The pastor denounced lies, greed, violence, dishonesty, and the lack of character. The congregation responded with enthusiastic amens.

Hades, sitting in the last row, was impressed.

At last, someone understood the problem.

Until the pastor pointed at a politician sitting in the front row.

"This man is chosen by God! A warrior against corruption!"

Hades opened a folder.

"There are three investigations, two first-instance convictions, and a collection of suspicious contracts involving this gentleman."

The pastor interrupted the sermon.

"You're persecuting a man of God!"

"I'm Hades."

"Even worse! A demon trying to destroy a man of God!"

"Five minutes ago, you were preaching against corruption."

"And I still am!"

"Then why are you defending this man?"

The pastor raised his arms.

"Because he's on our side!"

Hades fell silent.

For the first time in thousands of years, someone had offered him such a precise definition of human morality.

Sin was abominable.

As long as the enemy committed it.

Corruption was unacceptable.

As long as it didn't benefit one's own group.

Lying was the work of darkness.

As long as it wasn't the lie told by the pastor of the church.

Hell, after all, wasn't a matter of behavior.

It was a matter of team loyalty.

The Return of the Original Devil

Meanwhile, the Devil was enjoying his vacation on a tropical island.

Without accusations, sermons, or the need to answer for decisions he hadn't made, he was beginning to rediscover the joy of being alive.

Until his phone rang.

It was a pastor.

"We need to talk."

"I'm no longer working."

"But the situation is out of control!"

"What situation?"

"Hades!"

The Devil sighed.

"What did he do?"

The pastor was outraged.

"He's demanding that people take responsibility!"

The Devil remained silent for a few seconds.

Then he laughed so hard he had to sit down.

"You spent centuries telling everyone I was the problem. And now you're complaining because my replacement refuses to be blamed for your problems?"

"That's not it!"

"Then what is it?"

"Hades doesn't have the same appeal you do."

The Devil stopped laughing.

"What do you mean?"

"You had presence. You had tradition. People knew you. They knew what to expect. Hades is too technical. He talks about consequences, presents documents, demands evidence. It's driving the faithful away."

"Are you saying you'd rather have a Devil who agrees to take the blame?"

"Don't put words in my mouth!"

"There's no need. You've already put a corrupt politician in the pulpit."

The pastor hung up.

That very night, campaigns began calling for the Devil's return.

The sermons changed tone.

Hades was cold, bureaucratic, foreign. He didn't understand the local culture. He didn't respect traditions. He lacked the sensitivity needed to understand humanity's problems.

A religious influencer posted a video:

"IS HADES WORSE THAN THE DEVIL? THE TRUTH THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!"

Within hours, the video had millions of views.

The original Devil became a nostalgic figure. Pastors fondly remembered the days when they could blame him for their own failures without having to produce receipts.

Hades, on the other hand, wanted explanations.

And explanations are terrible for people who make a living out of accusations.

The Infernal Election

The crisis became political.

A group of religious leaders suggested that Hell hold an election to permanently choose its new administrator.

Hades agreed.

"Excellent. May the most qualified candidate win."

The original Devil, still on vacation, was summoned to run.

"I'm not interested," he replied.

"But you're popular!"

"So what?"

"People know you!"

"Knowing someone doesn't mean that person is competent."

The election organizer's assistant wrote down the sentence and immediately turned it into a campaign slogan for Hades.

It was a disaster.

Hades's campaign advocated transparency, accountability, and performance reviews. The Devil's campaign promised to restore traditions, protect family values, and prevent foreign forces from interfering in Hell's affairs.

The Devil hadn't presented a single administrative proposal.

He didn't need to.

His supporters said he was imperfect, but he was their Devil.

Hades might have been more competent, fairer, and even less cruel. None of that mattered. He was the other side's Devil.

Near the end of the campaign, it was discovered that one of the original Devil's main supporters had a criminal past.

The campaign team released a statement:

"We acknowledge that our candidate has a few flaws, but nobody's perfect."

When it was discovered that an ally of Hades had committed a much less serious offense, the response was immediate:

"This proves the opposition's complete lack of character!"

The same voter who demanded exemplary punishment for the opponent accepted generous explanations for their own candidate.

The same church that preached repentance defended impunity when the accused was one of its own.

The same pastor who condemned sinners declared that the accusations against his ally were religious persecution.

And everyone had an excuse.

The Victory Speech

The Devil stepped onto the stage.

The crowd chanted his name.

He looked at the pastors, politicians, influencers, and believers who had spent weeks denouncing the existence of evil while negotiating with it behind the scenes.

Then he began:

"My dear humans, I want to thank you for your trust. It is an honor to return to the position of being responsible for all the mistakes you make from now on."

The crowd applauded.

"I want to assure you that nothing will change. You can keep lying, as long as you say you were tempted. You can keep stealing, as long as you claim you're being persecuted. You can keep hating, as long as you present your hatred as a defense of traditional values."

The applause grew louder.

"And when someone questions your choices, don't worry. I'll be here. I'll take the blame for you, just as I always have."

A pastor wept with emotion.

"That's our Devil!"

The Devil raised his hand, asking for silence.

"I have only one condition."

The crowd fell silent.

"Never again say that I was the one who made your decisions for you."

Absolute silence.

A believer stood up.

"This is outrageous! You're trying to take away our freedom!"

The Devil smiled.

"No, my dear fellow. I'm giving you back something that never belonged to me."

And he walked off the stage.

Moral of the Story

That night, Hades returned to the underworld. He wasn't disappointed by his defeat. He was disappointed that he had believed people were looking for someone better.

They were looking for someone who would confirm that they were already right.

The Devil returned to his office, found his desk covered in complaints, and realized that nothing had changed.

There were new sins, old excuses, and a line of people waiting to transfer their responsibilities.

He opened the first letter.

It was from a pastor who had been caught committing fraud.

The man claimed persecution, envy, and a conspiracy against his divine mission.

The Devil picked up his pen, wrote not my problem, and stamped the document.

Then he thought better of it.

He crossed out the sentence and wrote:

It is his problem. But apparently, I've been elected to keep taking the blame.

He put the letter away, turned off the lights, and went to sleep.

For the first time in millennia, he felt sorry for humans.

Not because they were evil.

But because they had turned even the choice of the Devil into a dispute over who was worse and who belonged to the right group.

Deep down, they didn't want to get rid of evil.

They simply wanted to make sure that evil continued to be practiced by someone else.

And if electing a bastard to govern them was necessary, that was perfectly fine.

As long as he was the bastard from their church, nominated by their pastor, blessed by their values, and protected by their excuses.

Because the Devil on the other side is always a threat to humanity.

Ours, at worst, is just going through a difficult phase.

Humanity doesn't want to get rid of the Devil. It just wants to stop the neighbor's Devil from taking power.

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