Building someone up in your mind across time and distance, then learning who they actually were. That specific kind of loss.
Chronicles of the 21st
Thought
Thought
Building someone up in your mind across time and distance, then learning who they actually were. That specific kind of loss.
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For Maria Eugênia
No matter how much the traces of these lines fade and no one can truly understand what I feel, I send what my heart hopes to receive to my messenger—the coastal breeze. I have asked at the bus terminals and in the churches. When I speak your name, they deny your face. Through the curves of the avenues, in the alleyways, in the favelas, in the whispers shared among women—the more I search, the more I love you. One day, while walking through the market in the morning, a man approached me and asked: — Why do you walk like that? Up and down, back and forth? What matters so much to cause such agitation? — I am looking for someone. — Who? My throat seized up, and I realized I had denied your other name. I ran home and went straight to your clothes. I imagined how beautiful you would look in the scarves I embroidered with your name: Maria Eugênia Menezes das Graças. I embrace you and lose myself. All the women in the world ask for what I hold in my heart—except you. Life scorns me, and you reject me for staying. I stay because I think you will return. So, I ask Ceará: where is that woman who made vows to me? The one who spurned my gifts, my embrace, and my name. The more I dream, the more I love you. For Maria Eugênia, I created a mirror; for her sake, I shatter it and build another to her liking. I offer a thousand and one sacrifices for your return. But your body has grown cold, and the last train from the capital has already departed. I look at myself and see your dress in my embrace. You come home every day. I fly on the breeze to find solace in your arms, and amidst so much pain and suffering, I will find our peace. From me, to Maria Eugênia.
Thoughts
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There's something about holding someone's absence in what they left behind. Her dress in your embrace instead of her.
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Building someone up in your mind across time and distance, then learning who they actually were. That specific kind of loss.
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Thank you for sharing this. Do you have more of these anywhere?
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The scarves with her name embroidered on them. That part stays.
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Ouch
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The way searching for her became the same as loving her. That reversal.
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For Maria Eugênia