“For you, a thousand times over”, a book that didn’t touch my heart but made an impression on my soul. The moments that had me constantly on the edge of my seat, battering the cushion on my lap was the one where Amir, and Assef were finally having their long-awaited face off. With every strike and punch Assef threw along Amir, my restlessness grew as to what the outcome will be, but an unspoken heaving heaviness was gradually, with each Bash, drifting away.
Amir burst into laughter, as he took those ruthless the punches and throws, I began laughing alongside him, knowing exactly what it was about.
I remembered how, shortly after the winter of 75’ after having betrayed Hassan and being consumed by guilt, sleepless nights and restlessness, Amir took Hassan to the pomegranate tree—a place that once symbolized their friendship. He did not conceal there and then, his desperation for some kind of a confrontation or punishment, Amir began throwing pomegranates at Hassan, trying to provoke him into fighting back- A slap, a hit, a kick, anything—Amir wanted Hassan to express anger, to condemn him, or to break the silence that had become unbearable, and with it the burden of carrying the guilt of a sin that he didn’t even commit, only witnessed, but didn’t stand up to, falling short at the hands of his cowardice.
That day Hassan refused to retaliate. He crushed a pomegranate against his own forehead and asked, "Are you satisfied? Do you feel better?" This act was even more so, devastating because it exposed the depth of Hassan's loyalty and forgiveness whichsimultaneously highlighted Amir's shame and spinelessness.
Amir finally got what he had been unknowingly needing, 25 years later, in 2001 when he comes back to Kabul to rescue Sohrab. 25 long years of insomnia, a barren marriage, purposelessness, all for this day, to walk back into the same alley once again, to find a Hazara, this time of his own blood, at the mercy of Assef, and one more time, he had a decision to make.
And so he did! and to all of our relief he made the right one. He betrayed his own nature and willpower, while he made the decision to stay and stand up to the oppressor, the very oppressor with whom it all began. It was always meant to end this way.
What humbled me the most was the strike on his upper lip, the one that slit his lip in a half, just like Hassan’s harelip. Despite all his self loathe and incomparable feelings towards him, Hassan’s death had a profound impact on Amir, the news served as the all long overdue wakeup call, Amir needed, all thanks to Rahim Khan. So out of that battle, he carried away everything that he had been lacking in his life — “Sohrab”, the last memory of Hassan, his nephew, the kid who was going to sow the seeds of parenthood in his barren marriage — the broken ribs, cuts and bruises that would finally heal his soul — and the harelip, that allowed him to finally experiences a fragment of the pain that existed in Hassan’s life, and drew a connection between him and his dead brother and become a quiet symbol of his atonement.
The person who remained really misunderstood at the end was Agha Sahib. Amir and Hassan were both two parts of his whole. And with both his children, he tried to do justice in his own way. He praised Hassan better when he provided Amir more. At the end he too was a human, who was just as coward as Amir, as he was brave and courageous as Hassan.
There is a quote by Dostoevsky that feels almost lethal in its truth
“Walk on your broken foot and leave no trace of your hand on anyone’s shoulder”.
This quote resurfaced in my mind when I got to know the truth about Agha Sahib in inexplainable ways.
Agha Sahib lost Amir’s mother to childbirth complications and shortly after, he found comfort in his house in a sinful manner, but who are we to judge him? He who never remarried, who did not lift the veil on his mistake, but did all he could in his power to own up to it.
He wasn’t a righteous or courageous man as he and the society believed, but he was a weak man, humbled by his own sins, and that spoke louder than his mistakes. The thing he cannot be forgiven for is taking his secret to his grave, that was his selfishness for having taken Hassan’s truth to the grave.
Once, nearing his last days, while he was with Amir in the United States, in Fremont, California, he said “I wish Hassan was here”. Thinking back on that day I realized something, that his cancer and his unwillingness to fight it was never driven from homesickness or patriotism or even the lack of purpose in his newfound life in America – that he simply couldn’t adjust to.
His hollowness from having lost one half of his being just took a physical presence in the form of cancer in his body, and his acceptance towards it was just a mirror of his once again, unwillingness to fight his selfish nature that would rather bear the loss of his beloved, entirely too compassionate son, than take on the responsibility of his mistake and face disgrace at the hands of the people in his society who admired him for his esteemed reputation.
Agha sahib was a weak, disgraceful and craven man, but all at the same time, he was pitiable, because at the end Amir got his redemption, he got the chance to nurture and tend to his sick father, he got the chance to rescue Sohrab and atone for his sins, but Agha Sahib did not.
Alongside all the concealments and the shadows, he took all the merciless burdens of his past terrors and weak moments, to the grave, and that was a far worse fate than the blows and punches Assef drew across Amir’s face.
“Hassan, come back with it”
“For you, a thousand times over”
“Before you sacrifice yourself for him, think about it, Hazara : Would he do the same for you ? “
Oh but he did, he did it for Hassan, he spirited into the den, strong, willed, unshaken, and he walked out , broken, trashed, but at peace, with Hassan’s “Jan e Jahan , his Sohrab.
There is a urdu proverb “ Subha ka bhoola shaam ko ghar lautay to usay bhoola ni kehtay”,
عامر لوٹ ایا ۔
Amir found his back, he found his redemption and he earned it.
So many turn of events, so many twists , but if you had to ask me, the one line that would perfectly summarize the entire book was
“There is a way to be good again”.
Here’s to a book I wouldn’t forget in a thousand lifetimes.
- Mutaal Zaheer
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