Trip Reports

Discussions

• Is Arches worth visiting once, let alone twice?

  Arches is honestly fine. It delivers exactly what it promises: there are arches. You definitely get what you seek, you and the thousands others. Oh you thought it was going to be a magical moment in between alien-arches? Think again.

• Is a giant sequoia's size enough to make the whole park worth it?

  Look, the trees are huge. Credit where it’s due. They are extremely huge. The first time you see a giant sequoia, it genuinely messes with your sense of scale. You feel small in a meaningful, almost spiritual way, like you’ve briefly been reminded that human beings are basically decorative ants with opinions.

• Does Indiana Dunes deserve to call itself a National Park?

  I don’t dislike Indiana Dunes. I resent that it calls itself National Park. I guess someone had to give a National Park to Indiana so every state feels included. You hear “national park” and your brain starts preparing for something mythic: towering mountains, ancient forests, landscapes that fundamentally alter your relationship with geology, God and yourself. Then you arrive and realize you are at a reasonably nice beach near Gary, Indiana.

• Is Mammoth Cave too successful at being a cave to be interesting?

  It’s huge. Historically important. Geologically fascinating. Also somehow kind of boring. The same features that make it the longest cave system in the world also make large sections of it look like somebody hollowed out a government parking garage underground. There are cave systems in Appalachia that look like fantasy novels. Mammoth often looks like an unfinished subway tunnel.

• Is Rocky Mountain only worth visiting during a pandemic?

  Rocky Mountain National Park is gorgeous in the same way a 4K television demo is gorgeous. Everything looks fake. The lakes are too reflective, the mountains are too dramatic, the elk wander around with such perfect timing they feel computer-generated.

• Is Death Valley just an environmental hazard with signage?

  Death Valley feels less like a national park and more like an environmental hazard with signage. It's in the name and Europeans still book flights to the US to go and die here.

• Are the Great Smoky Mountains actually great, or just nice?

  Great Smoky Mountains National Park is pleasant. Forests, mountains, waterfalls, fog drifting through the trees, black bears wandering around looking vaguely unemployed. It’s nice. Just nice though.The Smokies are probably the most “default settings” national park in America. If you asked a child to draw nature, they’d accidentally recreate this place: mountains, trees, creeks, maybe a little cabin somewhere.

• Is Joshua Tree just desert spirituality for people from Los Angeles?

  Joshua Tree feels less like a national park and more like a place where someone’s ex moved to “find themselves.” The landscape looks exactly like what happens when a desert develops opinions that used to be mocked before cancel culture. Weird twisted trees. Piles of giant round rocks balanced at angles that look cool on Instagram. Every single corner of the park looks like it’s either a U2 album cover or the background of an overpriced skincare ad.

• Yellowstone is incredible, so why can't tourists behave around the bison?

  Look, Yellowstone is objectively incredible. The landscape is insane: steaming rainbow-colored pools, geysers erupting out of nowhere, herds of bison wandering through fog like the opening scene of a fantasy movie. But the actual experience of visiting Yellowstone is mostly just being aggressively instructed not to do things.

• Is Saguaro just several hours of driving to admire one extremely committed plant?

  Saguaro National Park is basically several hours of driving around looking at one extremely committed plant. Committed to survive where plants don't and humans definitely shouldn't consider living. But that defines all of Arizona. And to be fair, the saguaros are impressive. They’re enormous. Some of them are two hundred years old. But eventually your brain starts categorizing all of them into the same mental folder labeled “big cactus. Look, it's a cactus. Just big and a bit weird

• Is Yosemite only great because it's in California?

  Yosemite Valley is stunning. Unfortunately, it is also a traffic simulator. You spend half your visit inching forward behind rental SUVs while trying not to sideswipe a cyclist dressed like they’re competing in the Tour de France. Then you finally get out of the car and, yes, okay, El Capitan and Half Dome are unbelievable. You see them, you will NOT climb them*

• Is the Grand Canyon actually overrated?

  It looks exactly like the pictures. Great, now you’ve seen it. I’m not denying it’s impressive. It’s obviously impressive. There’s even a plaque there basically admitting: “Okay, fine, it’s not the biggest canyon in the world in any measurable category, but spiritually? Emotionally? Vibes-wise? It’s the grandest.” Sure. Why not.

• Is Denali a national park, or an appointment a mountain refuses to keep?

  Denali feels less like visiting a national park and more like attempting to schedule an appointment with a mountain that does not respect you.First of all, there’s a very high chance you simply won’t see the mountain at all. Denali spends most of its life hiding behind clouds like a celebrity avoiding paparazzi. We're the paparazzi. People will visit, wait three days, spend thousands of dollars, and leave having technically experienced “weather near a mountain.”...

• Zion is genuinely stunning, so why will you still hate visiting?

  Zion is heartbreakingly beautiful. In pictures and in reality. You come in from the desert and suddenly everything changes: towering cliffs, hanging gardens, rivers, cottonwoods, sunlight bouncing off red stone like the entire canyon has its own internal glow. It genuinely feels biblical. Like you accidentally wandered into the location where prophets hear voices.