I Don’t Know Where I Go These Days
If I smile at a joke these days,
I wonder if it’s even my smile…
or just a reaction my face has learned to give.
Sometimes someone makes me laugh,
and for a few seconds,
my smile reaches my eyes…
but then,
within moments,
it fades away,
like my happiness remembered
it wasn’t supposed to stay.
If I’m hurt,
if I cry,
if someone breaks a little piece of me…
after the tears fall,
I sit there and laugh at myself.
Not because it’s funny,
but because I don’t know
what else to do with all these feelings.
I walk on roads,
but I’m rarely there.
My body moves forward,
while my mind disappears somewhere else.
sometimes I enter the wrong building,
and only later I realize…
Where was I?
Where do I go
when I leave the moment I’m living?
When there is a fight at home,
I don’t just hear the anger.
I look at my mother’s face
for ten straight minutes,
trying to understand
the pain she doesn’t say out loud.
When my father’s mood is low,
I watch his silence,
his tired eyes…
And I keep asking myself,
“What can I do for him?”
“When will I become strong enough
to take away some of his worries?”
“When will I be able to free him
from the responsibilities
he has carried for so long?”
I listen to songs,
but I don’t just listen…
I feel every word,
every beat,
every hidden emotion…
until sometimes
a simple song becomes a reason to cry.
If I spend a little extra with friends,
or if I like a dress online…
I look at the price
and start thinking a hundred things.
Why?
When I know
I have enough.
Why does my mind
turn every small choice
into a heavy decision?
Maybe I’m not tired of life…
Maybe I’m tired
of carrying everything I feel.
Maybe my heart is just too loud,
and my mind never knows
when to be quiet.
I don’t know where life is going these days…
I only know
I’m trying to find myself
somewhere between overthinking,
caring too much,
and forgetting to care for me.