it's getting worse day by day. it feels like every day i wake up with less energy than i had yesterday, like somehow, without me even realizing it, i'm slowly losing the strength to deal with things that i used to be able to handle. i'm tired in a way that i don't understand, tired in a way that even sleeping couldn't fix. it's not the kind of tiredness that goes away after a good night's sleep or a day of doing nothing. it's something deeper than that, something that stays with me no matter how much i try to rest. i wake up, go through the day, try to act like everything is normal, and somehow end up feeling even more exhausted than before.
i'm tired of my body always feeling like it's running out of energy, tired of having to convince myself to do the simplest things when everything already feels so overwhelming. i'm tired of trying to understand what's happening to me when i can't even put it into words. and i'm tired of my own mind, of how it keeps making me question myself, my worth, and whether i'm even capable of getting through all of this. sometimes it feels like no matter how hard i try to stay positive, there's always something inside my head telling me that i'm not doing enough, that i'm not strong enough, that maybe i'm just not meant to get better.
and honestly, i'm so fucking tired of fighting with myself. because how am i supposed to explain this feeling to someone else when i don't even understand it myself? how do i tell people that i'm struggling when there isn't one specific thing that i can point at and say, "this is what's hurting me"? it's just everything, all at once, piling up inside me until i don't even know where to start. and the worst part is that i still have to wake up every day and act like i know what i'm doing, like i have everything under control, like i'm not slowly falling apart underneath all the things i'm trying so hard to keep together.
i keep telling myself that things will get better eventually, that maybe i'm just going through a difficult period in my life, that maybe one day i'll wake up and everything won't feel this heavy anymore. but sometimes, it's hard to believe in something that i haven't been able to feel for so long. i want to have hope, i really do. i want to believe that all of this exhaustion, all of this confusion, and all the things i've been keeping to myself will eventually make sense. but there are days when even hoping feels exhausting, when trying to convince myself that things will be okay feels like another responsibility that i don't have enough energy to carry.
and am i actually a burden? i keep asking myself that question, especially whenever i find myself telling my friends that i'm tired again. physically and mentally, i'm tired, and i don't even know what's making me feel this way. i feel guilty for repeating the same words over and over again, for coming back to the same people with the same problems, the same confusion, and the same inability to explain what's actually going on inside my head. i wonder if they're getting tired of listening to me, if they're secretly wishing i'd stop talking about how difficult everything feels, if there's a point where someone's problems become too much for the people around them to handle.
i know that maybe these are just things i'm telling myself, things that might not even be true. but it's hard not to think about them when i already feel like i'm taking up too much space in other people's lives. i don't want the people i care about to feel responsible for fixing me. i don't want them to feel like they always have to find the right words to make me feel better. i don't want to become the person who only knows how to talk about their pain, the person who keeps saying they're not okay but can never explain why. i just don't know how to stop feeling this way, and sometimes i wish i could make someone understand that i'm trying, even when it doesn't look like i'm making any progress.
there are already too many things that i've kept to myself for so long. too many thoughts that i've pushed aside because i didn't know what to do with them, too many feelings that i've convinced myself weren't important enough to talk about. and now, when i finally want to let some of them out, i don't even know where to begin. everything feels tangled together, and trying to explain one thing somehow leads me to another, until i end up feeling overwhelmed by my own words. sometimes i start talking and suddenly realize that i don't even know what i'm trying to say anymore. i know there's something wrong, i know i'm not feeling like myself, but how am i supposed to explain something that i can't even fully understand?
and maybe this is a little contradictory to what i've said before, but right now, i think i need someone to keep reminding me that everything will be okay. not because i expect them to solve all my problems, not because i want someone else to carry everything for me, but because sometimes i get so lost inside my own thoughts that i can't find a reason to believe in anything good anymore. i need someone to remind me that i'm not failing just because i'm struggling, that i'm not weak just because i can't handle everything on my own, and that i don't have to figure out my entire life while i'm already struggling to get through the day.
i hate admitting that i need that kind of reassurance. i hate feeling like i can't always find the strength to comfort myself, like i need to hear those words from someone else before i can even begin to believe them. but the truth is, sometimes i really do. sometimes i just want someone to tell me that i don't have to have everything figured out right now, that it's okay if i'm confused, that it's okay if i'm tired, and that i don't have to keep pretending to be stronger than i actually feel. sometimes i want to be able to tell someone that i'm not okay without immediately feeling guilty for saying it.
but i don't have the courage to tell them that right now, i feel like i'm at my worst. i don't know how to admit that things have become this difficult for me, especially when i've already told them so many times that i'm tired. i keep thinking that maybe i've said enough, that maybe i should just keep the rest to myself this time, that maybe they have their own problems to deal with and the last thing they need is me coming back with another reason why i'm struggling. i know that everyone has their own battles, and i don't want to make mine feel like another responsibility they have to carry.
so i keep going back and forth between wanting to reach out and wanting to disappear from everyone's attention for a while. i want to tell someone everything, but i'm afraid of what happens after i do. i'm afraid that they won't understand, that i'll struggle to explain myself, or that i'll end up regretting being honest because i feel like i've exposed too much of myself. and at the same time, keeping everything inside is becoming exhausting too. it's like i'm constantly choosing between two things that both feel difficult, and no matter which one i choose, i still end up feeling alone with everything that's going on inside me.
and i'm so fucking confused right now. a part of me wants to keep moving forward, to keep trying, to keep hoping that one day i'll finally feel okay again. there's still a part of me that wants to experience better days, to enjoy the little things without feeling so exhausted, to wake up without immediately feeling overwhelmed by the thought of having to get through another day. i want to believe that there's more to my life than this constant feeling of being tired and lost. i want to believe that the way i feel right now isn't going to define the rest of my life.
but another part of me is so exhausted that it struggles to believe any of that. it's the part that keeps telling me that nothing is going to change, that i'll always feel this way, that trying is pointless because i'll eventually end up back in the same place. and i hate that these thoughts can feel so convincing when i'm already having such a difficult time. i hate that i can want things to get better and still struggle to believe that they actually can. i hate that i can be trying my best and still feel like i'm getting nowhere.
i don't know what i'm supposed to do with all these conflicting feelings. i don't know how to keep hoping without getting exhausted by the uncertainty of it all. i don't know how to ask for help without feeling guilty, or how to be honest about how bad things have become without worrying that i'll make the people around me uncomfortable. i don't know how to explain that i'm struggling even when nothing seems obviously wrong from the outside. and i don't know how to stop being so hard on myself for feeling things that i can't always control.
i just know that i'm tired. tired of pretending that i'm okay when i'm not, tired of trying to find the right words for feelings that don't make sense even to me, tired of questioning whether i'm allowed to struggle this much. i'm tired of feeling like i have to earn the right to be heard by making sure my problems are serious enough, my explanations are clear enough, and my pain is understandable enough for someone else to take it seriously.
maybe what hurts the most is that i don't actually want to give up on everything i've hoped for. i don't want to stop trying to build a life that feels worth living. i just wish trying didn't feel this difficult right now. i wish i could take a break from fighting with my own thoughts. i wish i could let myself be tired without turning that exhaustion into another reason to hate myself. and i wish i could believe that asking someone to stay, to listen, or to remind me that things can get better doesn't automatically make me a burden.
i don't need someone to have all the answers. i don't need someone to magically understand every complicated thing happening inside my head. i think i just need to feel like i don't have to carry all of this by myself, like i can be honest about how much i'm struggling without having to apologize for it afterward. i want to know that i can have bad days without disappointing everyone, that i can ask for reassurance without being selfish, and that i can still deserve kindness even when i don't know how to make myself feel better.
i'm trying, even if i don't always know what trying is supposed to look like anymore. i'm trying to hold on to the part of me that still hopes things can change, even when another part of me struggles to believe it. and maybe i don't have to figure everything out tonight. maybe i don't have to understand every feeling before i'm allowed to talk about it. maybe it's enough to admit that i'm struggling and that i need help getting through this.
i don't know when things will get better, and i don't want to keep making promises to myself that i can't guarantee. but i want to believe that how i feel right now isn't the whole story. i want to believe that there's a version of me who can feel lighter someday, who can look back at this period of life and understand that struggling didn't make them weak or unworthy of being here. i want to give myself the chance to find out what life can feel like when things aren't this heavy.
for now, i just wish i could stop feeling like i'm a burden for being human, for getting tired, for needing people, and for not always knowing how to handle everything that happens to me. i wish i could be kinder to myself in the moments when i need it the most. and more than anything, i wish i could remember that i don't have to be completely okay to deserve help, that i don't have to explain everything perfectly to be understood, and that i don't have to face every difficult thought alone.
i'm still confused. i'm still exhausted. i still have so many things i don't know how to say out loud. but somewhere underneath all of that, there's still a part of me that wants things to get better. and i think that part of me deserves a chance, even if i don't know how to make everything okay just yet.