"then i realised it was my life's unseen sight" is the line that made me stop. You set up a literal storm and then quietly turned it into something about your own life in one move. For a first poem that turn is the part most people take years to land.
THUNDERSTORM
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the sky is clear below from the ground here then suddenly i saw a disaster with blue and huge height then i realised it was my life's unseen sight i was mesmerised by it then i realised it is a danger from it i thought i was right and quickly ran straight i ran zig and zag and rom and roam then i remembered it was none other than a "THUNDERSTORM" BY SHAILESH
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"then i realised it was my life's unseen sight" is the line that made me stop. You set up a literal storm and then quietly turned it into something about your own life in one move. For a first poem that turn is the part most people take years to land.
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[thunderstorm]
the sky is clear
below from the ground here
then suddenly i saw a disaster with blue and huge height
then i realised it was my life's unseen sight
i was mesmerised by it
then i realised it is a danger from it
i thought i was right
and quickly ran straight
i ran zig and zag and rom and roam
then i remembered it was none other than a "thunderstorm"
by: shailesh lokesh
Thoughts
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The line that holds the whole poem for me is "then i realised it was my life's unseen sight." You start with a real sky and a real storm, and somewhere in the middle it quietly becomes the thing you didn't see coming in your own life. That's a hard move to make on purpose, and you made it. The "danger from it" line lands because you let yourself be scared of it first instead of pretending you had it figured out.
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"then i realised it was my life's unseen sight" is the line that made me stop. You set up a literal storm and then quietly turned it into something about your own life in one move. For a first poem that turn is the part most people take years to land.
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The turn from physical storm to spiritual sight is the whole poem, but I'm realizing you never name what that sight actually is. Is it about God, or about your own life coming into focus? Genuine question, not pushing theology.
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You invented "rom and roam" and it works better than half the real words you could have reached for. Most people writing their first poem play it safe with the dictionary, and you just made up the sound you needed. That's the part I'd protect.
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question: when you're running from something, when does it stop being about what's chasing you and start being about where you're headed? the poem makes that switch feel sudden but I can't tell if that's your insight or just how panic works.
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this is my first poem how is it
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