Stand-up comedy for content creators, digital sinners, and other animals with Wi-Fi
Good evening!
Everybody doing well? Everybody influencing?
Because these days, nobody has an opinion anymore.
Everybody has influence!
You know the difference between influence and influenza?
Influenza is something you catch from somebody and it makes you sick for a week.
Influence is something you catch from an idiot and it makes you sick for the rest of your life.
And both are airborne!
But here's what's beautiful about modern human beings.
You want to influence everybody else, but you refuse to accept any outside influence.
You want to change the world, but you don't want the world changing your hairstyle!
You want to be a free thinker…
Who thinks exactly like the thirty-seven influencers you follow.
You have original opinions you bought on sale.
And if somebody disagrees with you, you're not interested in hearing their arguments.
You're interested in blocking a threat to your ecosystem!
What ecosystem?
That's not an ecosystem, motherfucker. That's a zoo with a password!
1. GOD, THE ORIGINAL CONTENT CREATOR
Everybody's a creator now.
You make a fifteen-second video, add some sad music, throw in a Nietzsche quote you found on Pinterest, and…
Congratulations!
You've created something!
Created what, you little bastard?
You put three things together!
That's called composition.
Composers don't create music out of nothing. They compose music. They organize it. They arrange it. They work on it.
To compose is to put things in order.
Creating something out of absolutely nothing?
Now that's a different business.
And the whole idea of creating something from nothing is a rather arrogant form of blasphemy.
We don't even know what was there before there was anything, and already we've got some kid with an iPhone telling us he's a creator!
Easy there, Michelangelo of TikTok!
God created the universe, and we've spent thousands of years arguing about whether He did it in six days or needed a whole week because He was exhausted by Sunday.
And now you show up, record a reel in your bathroom, and…
YOU KILL GOD TWICE!
Once when you announce, "I'm a creator."
And again when you publish the result.
Because God can forgive a lot of things.
But there are Instagram filters even the Holy Spirit refuses to process.
And the best part?
You don't even need talent anymore.
You need lighting.
Not divine illumination.
A ring light!
Divine light no longer descends from heaven.
You can order it online for thirty bucks, tripod included.
2. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ARE EDIBLE
Everybody wants people to see how beautiful they are.
The skin. The lips. The abs. The perfect life. The avocado toast.
Wonderful!
But nobody ever stops to consider how another species might interpret beauty.
Because you see a beautiful person and think, "What a beautiful person!"
A cannibal sees a beautiful person and thinks, "What a presentation!"
To a cannibal, beautiful means edible!
You're admiring the symmetry of your face.
He's thinking about the recipe.
"Excellent proportions. A little rosemary, some red wine, and let it rest."
Not everybody looking at you is admiring you!
Some people are art critics.
Others are calculating cooking times.
And there you are, uploading another picture:
"Learning to love myself exactly as I am."
Well, love yourself discreetly, for fuck's sake!
You don't know who's making the grocery list!
3. YOU WANT TO BE SEEN, BUT YOU SEE NOBODY
This is my favorite contradiction.
You want everybody to watch your videos.
But you never go to the movies.
You want people to read your writing.
But you won't even read the terms and conditions of the app that's stealing your soul.
You want people to listen to your music.
But you don't listen to music anymore.
You listen to thirty seconds, skip to the next song, and repeat.
Your attention span is that of a fly with a substance abuse problem.
You want people to like your posts.
But do you like anybody else's?
Not even your grandmother!
Your grandma posted a picture with her cat.
She wrote, "God bless you all."
Two views.
One was yours by accident.
The other was the cat sitting on the phone.
Your grandmother changed your diapers, you ungrateful little shit!
And you can't even change her algorithm!
You want to be discovered, but you discover nobody.
You want a community, but you don't want neighbors.
You want millions of followers, but if three people message you at once, you activate airplane mode.
You don't want an audience.
You want an automatic applause machine.
A crowd that doesn't talk, doesn't disagree, doesn't ask questions, and, above all, doesn't have the audacity to publish something better than you.
4. THE BEATLES AND THE BUSINESS OF FAINTING
There's an old story about the Beatles and their fans.
You've probably heard versions of the claim that girls were hired to faint and intensify the hysteria surrounding the band.
The details about modeling agencies and actresses being hired to faint aren't something I'd present as established fact without evidence.
But imagine if it were true.
What a business model!
Back in the day, you hired musicians to play music.
Now you hire an audience to react to the audience you hired to react.
That's not a concert.
That's a shareholders' meeting for enthusiasm!
And we've reached a point where you don't even need people to enjoy what you do.
You just need them to look like they're enjoying it.
Emotion has become an audiovisual production.
You hire somebody to cry, somebody else to look surprised, and a third person to scream, "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"
And the third guy has absolutely no idea what's going on.
Just like the audience at a marketing conference!
The important thing isn't that something extraordinary happens.
The important thing is that somebody makes an extraordinary face while something perfectly ordinary happens.
A man opens a bottle of water.
OOOOOOOH!
That's it, brother! That's content!
5. THE ALGORITHM IS YOUR BOSS, AND YOU'RE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
We hate the algorithm.
"The algorithm is hiding me."
"The algorithm is censoring me."
"The algorithm doesn't understand my art."
Then stop working for the bastard!
Oh, you can't.
Because you need it to see you.
So you wake up in the morning, make your coffee, and ask:
"What does the algorithm want from me?"
The same thing feudalism wanted from your great-great-grandfather!
Your time, your labor, and the entirety of your miserable existence.
Only with better graphics.
The algorithm is an imperial emperor.
It doesn't conquer territories.
It conquers minutes.
It doesn't collect taxes.
It collects attention.
It doesn't need soldiers.
It has notifications.
And you work for it for free!
You record. You edit. You add subtitles, thumbnails, hashtags, descriptions.
Then you check your statistics.
Impressions.
Clicks.
Retention.
Engagement.
Reach.
Brother, you're not a content creator!
You're an entire marketing department without a salary!
And when your video fails, you blame yourself.
"I should've posted it at 6:37."
Of course!
Because at 6:36 the universe wasn't ready for your tutorial on how to peel a fucking mandarin.
So here's my proposal.
Let's start a union!
The International Union of Algorithm Workers!
We demand:
An eight-hour viewing day.
Paid vacation.
The right to disconnect.
And minimum wage for every impression!
Stop exploiting us, you digital bastard!
Bring down the empire!
Restore organic visibility!
Although, now that I think about it…
Who's going to pay for the union?
The algorithm.
Who's going to decide who can join?
The algorithm.
And who's going to show people the announcement?
THE FUCKING ALGORITHM!
We're organizing a revolution that needs the emperor's permission to advertise itself!
6. YOUR PET WANTS TO INFLUENCE YOU, TOO
You're recording a video about productivity.
"The secret to success is waking up at five in the morning, eliminating distractions, and focusing all your energy on your goals."
Suddenly, the cat appears.
MEOW.
"Ignore anyone who tries to steal your concentration."
MEOW.
"Your destiny depends on your discipline."
MEOW.
And the cat throws up on your keyboard!
Do you know what's happening?
YOUR PET IS TRYING TO INFLUENCE YOU!
You thought you were the creator, the director, the star of your own life.
Wrong!
You're a primate with a mortgage, living under the supervision of an animal that licks its own ass and then demands that you open the door it just closed.
THAT'S POWER!
Your dog doesn't know what engagement is.
But it knows exactly how to interrupt yours.
It doesn't understand reach.
But it has an emotional reach over you that no platform has managed to monetize yet.
And the most humiliating part?
Your dog doesn't need followers.
It has you!
One human being.
Available twenty-four hours a day.
With catering, housekeeping, and transportation included.
And you still think you're the influencer in that household!
7. THE STALKER ECONOMY
Here's another beautiful contradiction.
You post a sexualized photograph.
You choose the angle, the lighting, the pose, the framing, the provocative caption.
Then you say:
"I don't understand why people are looking at me."
Well, no shit!
You published a photograph so people would look at it!
Now, let's be clear.
Wanting attention is not the same as consenting to harassment. Nobody owes anybody access to their private life just because they received a like.
But there's a difference between wanting to be seen and wanting to be hunted.
It's like opening a beautiful restaurant and complaining that somebody came in to look at the menu.
What you can't do is confuse the menu with permission to walk into the kitchen!
Attention is not ownership.
Admiration is not intimacy.
And a follower is not a boyfriend.
Although some users can't seem to tell the difference between clicking "Follow" and submitting a marriage application to the government.
"I've been following you for three days. Why won't you answer me?"
Because following doesn't mean stalking, Romeo!
It's an app, not a restraining order in reverse!
8. THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER OF HUMAN EGO
We love saying that humanity creates things.
But look at what we do when we want to find out what the universe is made of.
We build an enormous machine, accelerate particles, and smash them together at extraordinary speeds.
The Large Hadron Collider!
A monumental machine built to investigate the fundamental constituents of matter.
And then you show up with your phone and announce:
"I'm a creator, too."
Brother, you haven't even collided with your own contradictions!
Physics has a machine stretching for miles to investigate the incredibly small.
You have a front-facing camera to investigate your ego.
And both of us are searching for something we can't directly see.
The difference is that scientists publish their results.
You publish a picture of your coffee with the caption:
"The universe always conspires in your favor."
The universe isn't conspiring in your favor, motherfucker!
The universe has been running for billions of years without even noticing you exist!
And here we are, searching for meaning in the void.
At the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, a bone becomes a tool, and then a weapon.
What a beautiful metaphor for civilization!
We discover how to manipulate the world, and the first thing we do is find a more efficient way to smash our neighbor's skull.
We invent tools.
We invent wars.
We invent gods.
We invent offices.
And now we invent tools to measure how many people watched a video in which we explain how to be happy.
WE HAVE INDUSTRIALIZED ANGUISH!
9. AUTOTUNE: THE MIRACLE OF MUSICAL RESURRECTION
Now let's talk about singers.
You buy a microphone.
You download some software.
You put autotune on your voice.
And suddenly you think you're a singer!
Brother, if you need a computer program to correct your voice before you can stand listening to it, you're not a singer.
You're a restoration project!
You're not hitting the right notes.
You're negotiating with reality.
Your voice comes out one way, and the software follows behind it with a fire extinguisher.
Somebody put out that melodic fire!
But don't worry. Technology has its virtues.
Autotune can be an extraordinary creative tool.
The problem starts when you confuse the tool with the talent.
It's like buying a guitar, learning two chords, and introducing yourself as a composer.
Here's a little experiment.
Buy a guitar.
Find a simple piece by Ferdinando Carulli.
Learn to play it.
Then try composing something yourself.
Something of your own.
It might be beautiful.
It might be terrible.
It might sound like a piece of furniture going through a marital crisis.
But at least you'll have to listen to what you're doing!
Because composing means confronting sound.
Not applying filters until the sound forgives you.
And if you use autotune, use it.
If you use artificial intelligence, use it.
If you use technology, make the most of it.
But don't ask a machine to give you an identity you haven't bothered to build yourself.
Technology can process your voice.
But it can't live your life for you!
Although, judging by the direction we're heading, soon we'll have an app for that.
It'll be called Humanity Pro.
Monthly subscription.
The free version lets you experience sadness for thirty seconds.
To cry without advertisements, upgrade your plan.
10. THE GRAND FINALE: THE CREATOR AND THE CREATURE
So tonight, I have a little experiment for you.
Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, don't check your statistics.
Don't check your followers.
Don't ask whether your video performed well.
Don't search for a Nietzsche quote to put over a picture of yourself staring into the horizon.
Do something.
Read something.
Listen to something.
Compose a melody.
Write a story.
Go to the movies.
Give your grandmother a like.
And if you have a dog, take it for a walk without recording the walk.
Let there be one human experience that doesn't have to become content!
What a revolutionary concept!
Experience something without publishing it.
Love something without monetizing it.
Do something without asking the algorithm for permission.
Because maybe the problem isn't that nobody sees us.
Maybe the problem is that we've spent so much time trying to be seen that we've forgotten how to look.
We want to be admired, but we admire nobody.
We want to influence, but we refuse to be influenced.
We want to create, but we don't want to learn how to compose.
We want freedom, but we refresh our statistics every forty seconds to see if the emperor is pleased.
And then we wonder why we feel so empty.
Because we've turned emptiness into a business model!
And the worst part?
The worst part is that tomorrow we'll do it all over again.
We'll wake up, open the app, and check the statistics.
And if the video has zero views, we'll say:
"The algorithm hates me."
No, darling.
The algorithm doesn't hate you.
The algorithm doesn't love you.
The algorithm doesn't know you exist.
AND THAT'S THE MOST HONEST RELATIONSHIP YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE!
Thank you very much!
If you enjoyed the show, hit the like button.
If you didn't enjoy it, hit it anyway.
And if you do neither, please remember that I have a pet, bills to pay, and an imperialist algorithm to answer to.
Good night!
And don't forget to subscribe.
Because the revolution…
THE REVOLUTION NEEDS ENGAGEMENT!