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Not About Him

DarkMirax

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For a long time I thought it was about him. About the way he laughed, the way he talked, the way he looked at me across a table that wasn't ours.

It took me a while to ask a different question. Not whether I wanted him. Whether I'd want him even without the thing that made him unreachable.

I tried to picture it. No obstacle. No secret, no stolen hours, no feeling that I had to fight for it. Just him, ordinary, every day.

And suddenly there was nothing there.

It was never about him. It was about the wall between us. I took the wall for proof that something mattered, and it was just a wall.

Since then I ask myself that question before I let myself fall for anyone. Would I want you if I could actually have you? When I don't know the answer, at least I know I'm not sure who I really want.

Thoughts

  • olivenette

    have you always felt this way, and what does it mean to you to be like that?

    Permalink
  • gwen64

    The moment where he becomes ordinary and there's nothing there. Do you feel like that's freedom, or just something you know too late?

    Permalink
  • MelanieOdum

    I've listened to enough people work through versions of this. You just articulated the part nobody wants to say out loud.

    Permalink

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For a long time I thought it was about him. It took me a while to ask a different question. Not whether I wanted him. Whether I'd want him even without the thing that made him unreachable.

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