AM I STILL IN YOUR HEART?
by Rehan Azam
CHAPTER ONE
Ninety Days Before Forever
Three months before their wedding, Charlotte Bennett asked Ethan Hayes a question that would eventually destroy them both.
"Would you still love me if I stopped loving you?"
They were sitting on the floor of Ethan's bedroom, surrounded by wedding invitations, colour samples, and a notebook filled with plans for a future neither of them had any reason to doubt.
Ethan looked up from the invitation he was addressing.
"That's a stupid question."
"Answer it."
He put down his pen. "I'd make you fall in love with me again."
Charlotte laughed and leaned against his shoulder. "And if you couldn't?"
"Then I'd spend the rest of my life wondering where I went wrong."
She kissed him.
"Good answer."
Four years together, a wedding three months away, and a future they had already begun to call theirs. Charlotte believed there was nothing left to question.
She didn't know Ethan had started questioning everything.
His father had lost his business. His family was drowning in debt, and Ethan had begun working late, answering fewer calls, and cancelling plans he had once considered sacred. Every time Charlotte asked what was wrong, he told her not to worry.
She believed him because loving someone meant trusting them.
At least, that was what she thought.
Then came Olivia Brooks.
Olivia met Ethan at work. She was funny, patient, and refreshingly unaware of the life he had promised another woman. She didn't ask him to choose wedding flowers or discuss mortgage payments. She simply sat beside him when he was exhausted and listened when he finally admitted that he was afraid.
With Olivia, Ethan didn't have to be the man who had everything under control.
He could just be a man who was falling apart.
He began spending more time with her. Their conversations became personal. Personal became intimate. And one evening, after Ethan told her that his wedding was approaching, Olivia asked him why he looked so miserable.
"Because I don't know how to keep everyone happy anymore," he said.
"You can't."
"I have to."
"No, Ethan. You just have to stop lying to yourself."
He kissed her that evening.
And when Olivia kissed him back, he didn't stop her.
Across the city, Charlotte was sitting with Noah Carter, the man she had recently started dating.
She had met Noah at a friend's gathering. He was kind, attentive, and never made her feel as though asking for his time was asking for too much.
She had not planned to fall for him. She had barely planned to speak to him again.
But Ethan had become a stranger who happened to know all her favourite things.
Noah was becoming someone who wanted to know them.
When Noah asked whether she was still in love with Ethan, Charlotte took a long time to answer.
"Yes," she finally admitted.
"Then why are you here with me?"
She looked at him.
"Because I don't know how much longer I can keep waiting for someone who doesn't seem to want me."
Noah said nothing. He didn't need to.
They kissed a week later.
Neither Ethan nor Charlotte knew about the other's relationship.
Neither had ended their engagement.
And neither had the courage to ask whether they were still the only people in each other's hearts.
On the forty-third day before their wedding, Charlotte saw Ethan kissing Olivia outside a café.
She was carrying their wedding invitations.
For several seconds, she simply watched them. Ethan was smiling, one hand resting against Olivia's cheek. It was a familiar smile, the sort he used to give Charlotte when she said something ridiculous and he pretended not to find it funny.
Then Olivia kissed him.
Charlotte's box slipped from her hands. Invitations scattered across the pavement.
Ethan didn't notice.
She collected them herself.
That evening, he texted her.
ETHAN: I miss you.
Charlotte stared at the message for nearly ten minutes.
Then she replied.
CHARLOTTE: Do you still love me?
The typing indicator appeared.
It vanished.
Five minutes passed.
Then her phone lit up.
ETHAN: Of course I do. Why would you even ask that?
Charlotte read the message twice.
She wanted to tell him what she had seen. She wanted to ask him who Olivia was and why he had kissed her. She wanted to scream until he finally gave her an honest answer.
Instead, she put her phone down.
Because she had kissed Noah, too.
And suddenly, she couldn't decide whether she had the right to demand honesty from a man she had been lying to herself.
That night, Charlotte removed her engagement ring.
She placed it inside the wedding invitation box and closed the lid.
For the first time in four years, she went to sleep without it.
And Ethan, lying beside Olivia, dreamed about marrying Charlotte.
Neither of them knew that the wedding had already begun to die.
CHAPTER TWO
The People We Become
Thirty-one days before the wedding, Ethan finally noticed Charlotte's ring was missing.
They were having coffee when she reached for her cup. Her bare finger caught his attention.
"Where's your ring?"
Charlotte looked down.
"Oh. I took it off."
"Why?"
"It was getting uncomfortable."
He frowned. "You've worn it for months."
"I know."
He waited for an explanation.
She offered none.
"Is something wrong?"
Charlotte almost laughed.
There it was again. The question he asked whenever he sensed she was slipping away, as though he wanted to know why she was leaving without ever asking what had made her want to.
"No, Ethan. Everything's fine."
He looked relieved.
That hurt more than it should have.
Lucas Mitchell knew about Olivia.
He was Ethan's closest friend, and he had watched the relationship develop with increasing unease. He had seen Ethan return home late, stare at Charlotte's messages, and then turn his phone face down whenever Olivia called.
One night, Lucas finally confronted him.
"Are you actually going to marry Charlotte?"
Ethan looked up. "What kind of question is that?"
"The kind you keep avoiding."
"I'm going to marry her."
"Then stop acting like a single man."
Ethan's jaw tightened.
"You don't understand."
"You're right. I don't understand how you can tell one woman she's your future while making another woman believe she has one with you."
Ethan stood.
"I'm trying to make everyone happy."
Lucas shook his head.
"No. You're trying to avoid being the bad guy. There's a difference."
Ethan left without answering.
But Lucas's words followed him home.
Lily Morgan was less gentle with Charlotte.
She had been Charlotte's closest friend since school, and she knew the difference between her friend's ordinary silence and the kind that meant something was breaking.
"You saw him with her, didn't you?" Lily asked.
Charlotte froze.
"Who told you?"
"No one. You stopped wearing your ring, and you keep looking at your phone like you're waiting for someone to apologise for something you won't even admit happened."
Charlotte looked away.
"I saw them kissing."
Lily went quiet.
"Did you confront him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
Charlotte's eyes filled.
"Because I kissed Noah."
Lily stared at her.
For a moment, neither spoke.
Then Lily sat beside her.
"Charlotte, what are you doing?"
"I don't know."
"Do you love Noah?"
Charlotte shook her head.
"Not the way I love Ethan."
"Then why are you with him?"
"Because when I'm with Noah, I don't feel unwanted."
Lily closed her eyes.
"That isn't fair to Noah."
"I know."
"And it isn't fair to you."
Charlotte began to cry.
"I know."
Lily pulled her into an embrace, but she didn't tell her everything would be all right.
For once, she refused to offer a comforting lie.
The wedding was cancelled on the twenty-first day before the ceremony.
Charlotte made the call.
She told Ethan that she needed time, that she couldn't go through with a marriage while they were barely speaking, and that they needed to be honest about what they wanted.
Ethan listened in silence.
Then he asked, "Is there someone else?"
Charlotte shut her eyes.
"Yes."
The silence that followed was unlike anything she had ever heard from him.
"Do you love him?"
She could have lied. She could have told Ethan that Noah meant nothing, that she had only wanted to make him jealous, that he was still the only person she could imagine growing old with.
Instead, she gave him the same honesty he had never given her.
"I don't know."
Ethan swallowed.
"Then I guess we both need time."
They ended the call.
Neither mentioned Olivia.
Neither mentioned the kiss outside the café.
Neither mentioned the wedding invitations still sitting in boxes at their homes.
And when the call ended, Ethan sat on the edge of his bed and cried.
Not because Charlotte had chosen another man.
Because she had finally stopped choosing him.
Three weeks later, Ethan ended things with Olivia.
He told her he was sorry. He told her that he had tried to move on, that he had convinced himself he could build something new, but that he was still in love with Charlotte.
Olivia listened without interrupting.
When he finished, she asked one question.
"If Charlotte had never started dating Noah, would you have come back to me?"
Ethan opened his mouth.
Nothing came out.
Olivia nodded slowly.
"That's what I thought."
She stood, collected her bag, and walked to the door.
"I hope you get the girl you want, Ethan. But I hope you understand that I was a person, too. Not a place to hide until you figured out what you wanted."
The door closed behind her.
Ethan remained where he was.
For the first time, he had no one to blame for the mess he had made.
And for the first time, he knew exactly what he wanted.
Charlotte.
He just had no idea whether wanting her was enough.
CHAPTER THREE
The Last Question
It was raining when Ethan arrived at Charlotte's house.
He had rehearsed what he would say on the drive over. He had planned an apology, an explanation, and a promise that he would never make her feel unwanted again.
But when Charlotte opened the door, every carefully prepared sentence disappeared.
She looked tired.
Not angry. Not surprised.
Just tired.
"Ethan?"
"I ended it with Olivia."
Charlotte's expression barely changed.
"I'm glad."
He stared at her.
"That's all you have to say?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Anything."
She stepped aside to let him in.
He remained on the doorstep.
"I thought about you every day," he said. "I tried to move on, but I couldn't. I kept comparing everything to us. Every conversation, every moment, every little thing. I couldn't stop thinking about the life we were supposed to have."
Charlotte's eyes glistened.
"Then why did you leave?"
"I was scared."
"Of what?"
"Of failing. Of disappointing my family. Of not being enough for you. Everything was falling apart, Charlotte, and I didn't know how to tell you."
"So you told Olivia instead?"
He flinched.
"I know how that sounds."
"Do you?"
"I never meant to hurt you."
"But you did."
"I know."
"No, Ethan. I don't think you do."
Her voice was quiet, and somehow that made it worse.
"You keep telling me what you meant to do, what you wanted, what you were afraid of. You never stop to think about what it felt like to be me."
He looked down.
"I saw you kissing her."
Ethan went still.
"Outside the café," she continued. "I was carrying our wedding invitations. I had spent the entire morning imagining what it would feel like to marry you. Then I looked across the street and watched you kiss someone else."
His face crumpled.
"Charlotte..."
"I went home and cried. Then you texted me that you missed me, and I cried harder because I wanted to believe you."
"I did miss you."
"And I was dating Noah."
Ethan looked up.
She had never told him.
"I kissed him, too," she said. "I let him believe that I might love him because being around him was easier than being around you. He made me feel wanted when I had begun to feel invisible to the person I wanted most."
For the first time, Ethan seemed unable to speak.
"I know I hurt him," Charlotte continued. "I know what I did was wrong. I'm not asking you to forgive me for it."
"Then what are you asking?"
"Nothing."
He shook his head.
"You can't tell me all this and then say nothing."
"I can, Ethan. Because not everything is about what you want anymore."
He took a step towards her.
"I still love you."
Charlotte's lips trembled.
"I know."
"I want to marry you."
"We were supposed to get married three weeks ago."
"I know."
"I bought a dress, Ethan."
His eyes filled with tears.
"I know."
"I chose flowers. I wrote vows. I spent months imagining the moment I would walk towards you. And every time I pictured it, I thought you would be looking at me the way you used to."
She wiped her cheek.
"But I don't know who would be waiting at the end of that aisle now."
Ethan reached for her hand.
She let him hold it for a moment.
Then she pulled away.
"Please," he whispered. "I know I don't deserve another chance. But I can't leave without asking you something."
Charlotte said nothing.
He looked directly into her eyes.
"Am I still in your heart?"
For a moment, the world seemed to stop.
Charlotte remembered the boy who had kissed her in the rain when they were seventeen. The boy who had stayed awake all night when she was ill. The boy who had promised to spend his life making her fall in love with him again.
She remembered the man who had kissed Olivia.
She remembered Noah waiting for a message she never knew how to write.
She remembered herself, sitting alone with an engagement ring in a box, wondering when love had become something she had to beg for.
And she remembered the promise she had made on Ethan's bedroom floor.
If I stopped loving you, I'd tell you.
She took a breath.
"Yes."
Ethan's face changed. Hope rushed into his eyes so quickly that she almost reached for him.
"Yes?" he repeated.
"You're still in my heart."
He moved towards her.
Then she stepped back.
"But you can't stay there anymore."
He stopped.
Charlotte's voice broke, but she continued.
"I love you, Ethan. I wish I didn't. I wish I could look at you and feel nothing. I wish you had come here a year ago, before I spent months wondering why I wasn't enough. I wish you had told me the truth before we both became people we never wanted to be."
She looked at him through her tears.
"But I cannot marry a man simply because I still love him. I need to trust him. I need to know that when life becomes difficult, he will talk to me instead of finding someone else to hide with."
"I can be that man."
"Maybe."
"I'll prove it to you."
"To what end, Ethan? So I can spend the next year waiting to see if you mean it? So every time you come home late, I can wonder whether there's someone else? So every time you tell me you love me, I can wonder whether you're only saying it because you're afraid of losing me?"
He had no answer.
She took one last look at him.
"I spent four years choosing you. And somewhere along the way, I forgot that I was supposed to choose myself, too."
"Charlotte, please."
She opened the door.
"I hope you find happiness, Ethan."
He stared at her.
"Is that really all I get?"
She met his eyes.
"You got four years of my life. You got my trust, my promises, and a future I was willing to give you. Don't stand here and act as though I gave you nothing."
He began to cry.
She had never seen him cry like that.
And for one terrible second, she wanted to take it all back.
She wanted to hold him. To tell him that they could start over, that the pain was worth it, that love could forgive almost anything.
But she knew what would happen if she did.
He would leave that night believing that love had saved him from the consequences of his choices.
And she would spend the rest of her life wondering whether she had saved their relationship or simply taught him that he could hurt her and still come home.
So she did the only thing she could live with.
She closed the door.
Ethan stood on the doorstep for several minutes.
Then he walked back to his car.
He didn't call her again that night.
He didn't send another message.
He drove home, sat on his bedroom floor, and opened the drawer where he had kept their wedding invitation.
On the back, Charlotte had written something months ago.
To my favourite person in the world. Whatever happens, I hope we never become strangers.
Ethan pressed the paper against his chest.
For the first time, he understood that Charlotte hadn't stopped loving him.
She had stopped believing that loving him would be enough.
And perhaps that was the worst thing she could have done to him.
Or perhaps it was the only thing she could do for herself.
Six months later, Charlotte received a letter.
There was no return address.
Inside was a photograph of the two of them taken on their first anniversary. Ethan was laughing, Charlotte was trying to steal the camera, and neither of them knew that someone had captured the happiest moment of their lives.
On the back, Ethan had written:
I finally understand why you closed the door.
For a long time, I thought you rejected me because you didn't love me enough.
Now I know you rejected me because you loved me for too long without receiving the love you needed in return.
I'm sorry I made you choose between me and yourself.
I hope you never have to make that choice again.
You once asked me whether I would spend my life wondering where I went wrong if I couldn't make you love me again.
I think I finally know the answer.
I went wrong the day I assumed you would always be there.
I hope you're happy, Charlotte.
Even if I'm no longer the reason.
She read the letter twice.
Then she folded it carefully and placed it inside the drawer beside her bed.
She didn't call him.
She didn't write back.
But that night, she dreamed of the boy she had loved before either of them learned how to hurt each other.
And somewhere, in another part of the city, Ethan looked at the photograph of a girl who had once promised to spend her life with him.
Neither of them had forgotten.
Neither of them had stopped caring.
But they were no longer waiting for the other to come home.
THE END
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Written by Rehan Azam
for contact - www.rehanazam.ct.ws