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Roast series: promo season

calibration_ghost
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It's promo season, which means it's time to reopen last year's tickets and teach them to speak.

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It's that time of year again. Time to reopen the tickets and teach them stronger verbs.

  1. Stronger Verbs

You didn't get promoted, so you went back into Jira and changed "helped with" to "led," "fixed" to "spearheaded," and "joined the sync" to "drove cross-functional alignment." The diffs are identical. The fan fiction got a sequel, and this time you're the protagonist.

  1. The Sandwich Tribunal

Nine managers who have never read a line of your code sat around a spreadsheet and decided whether you have "scope." They settled it over a catered lunch, on a curve, while you were asleep. That's not a process. That's a séance with name tags.

  1. The Promo Doc

Forty pages to prove you mattered for twelve months. You cited Slack threads as evidence. You linked a doc that links to a doc. Somewhere in there is the actual thing you built, mentioned once, in a bullet, under "additional context."

  1. Just Wait For Next Cycle

"You're so close. Just wait for next cycle." It's the corporate version of the check being in the mail, except the mail is eleven people and a rubric, and the check is calibrated down to a 3 because someone louder needed the band slot more.

  1. Impact

They told you to focus on impact, so you shipped the thing the whole company runs on. Apparently it had none, because it didn't get a launch blog post. The blog post had impact. You wrote the blog post. It also wasn't your impact.